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underwater_view_of-breaking_wave_with_sun1

Down under…that was me recently.

Challenged on every level.

The huge wave hit and it sort of knocked me off my feet…swept me up, threw me down, around and around, swirling me, tossing me and then left me there…down under it all looking up at the light..unreachable in the distance.

I felt exhausted.

Not sure how steady I was before it hit, but at least I hadn’t toppled over for a little while…it felt like I had things kind of under control...was standing strong in the face of it all…you know?

But then that wave came

And in its swirling and tossing me around it heightened everything I was feeling. I could blame it all on my time of the month (which showed up a week early) but although that did not help the situation, there was more to it…

The wave brought a list of things I quite frankly was not too thrilled by…anxiety, near panic attacks, sleepless nights, fear, hopelessness, worry, feelings of lack, guilt, it’s not fair, exhaustion…oh did I mention exhaustion already?

It was a full on attack.

And I kind of lay there down under it all with the stones and shells and sand swirling rapidly above me making me dizzy catching glimpses in between it all of the light above…

That oh so distant light…

I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and go to sleep. Wake me when it’s all gone.

And during these down under days my son needed more than I could give. Of course he did…would it have been any other way? I felt so bad I didn’t have boundless amounts of energy…but I was just too tired to play with him and was losing my patience very quickly with everything. My tank was beyond empty and the wave had wiped me out and I lay flat on my back. Then of course I felt guilty. These are such precious moments with my son and all I was thinking about was when will he go the f*&* to sleep?

I do my best to go with the flow, to be grateful, to relax about things, to focus on the good, the positive, my many blessings, not to over-analyze…but sometimes quite frankly it doesn’t bloody work.

Sometimes it feels exhausting trying to do anything…to eat, to have a shower, to smile.

I found myself lashing out at objects around me and the general public. Why did the cutlery keep jumping out of my hand, the glasses break, I keep spilling drinks and the cupboards keep swinging open? Whilst out driving I wondered (cursing under my breath) why the general public did not indicate when turning left or right, and why the hell they thought it ok to just stop in the middle of the street?! !

Then a little thought enters my mind…You should have made more of an effort to meditate every day like you said you would months ago…

The little thought becomes a little cartoon character and it dances before me mockingly waving a big sign…Should of, should of, should of…it says in neon lights.

F*** should of’s!!! I shout out furiously.

Being a single parent is hard. Really hard. I never feel I get time to replenish, to ever really fill up my tank. All of the responsibility rests on me, and only me…all of the time, in every way. I dream of massages and spa days and holidays….

Actually maybe just a simple drive up the coast would do.

We all need breaks, a true time out, a full tank of gas to support us being the best that we can be…the best parent that we can be.

My intense feelings continued and it spiraled into nostalgia for times long gone…I felt like I was drifting out to sea and I needed to pull myself back to shore. I felt so intensely my own mortality, my own humanness, my own weaknesses…my not good enoughness…

Help me I whispered to the heavens…to my Oma, my Grandmother…

Then…

The next day I heard that good old song Let it be on the radio. Let it Be began to spin around my mind and every corner I turned there it was…

Let it be.

I took a deep breath and exhaled Let it be onto everything in my life…

To let it all be and know that the light always returns and finds its way back even though it feels like it never will, and that I am always deserving of the light whatever emotions are arising, whatever the circumstance…and that this light helps you to keep moving forward and gives you a second wind…and a third…and a fourth…

I also come across Leonard Cohen’s well known lyrics to “Anthem” in a magazine article I had cut out. It says:

Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.

I chuckle to myself…well I’m full of cracks, so the light must be streaming in abounds.

I hold this image firmly in my mind as I keep stepping one foot in front of the other, through the murky waters, light reflecting off in every direction.

By Annabel Ruffell