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The Truth…

“You can’t handle the Truth!” declares Jack Nicholsen furiously in the movie “A few Good Men.”

And yes…Jack’s right…there have been times in my life where I could not handle the truth…didn’t want to know the truth. I did not want to examine…

The truth about my weaknesses…my not so very nice traits…

Like my anger. It’s not pretty and I would rather not dive into this truth. My temper can get ugly. In the past I made a mistake though…I turned away from myself, wanted to ignore these emotions hoping that they would disappear…I didn’t like them, so pretended like they never happened. But of course I soon realized the truth of the fact: the more we resist, the more it persists. I also compared myself too much to other people who I thought never expressed these not very nice emotions.

Now I take a good look at my anger…I feel it, accept it…just as it is. I take a deep breath and focus on ways to lessen the waves that come, knowing I will do better, each day, each week, each year. I forgive myself and move on. It feels empowering to not take on the oily, dark residue that self deprecation leaves behind.

Truth has many faces…

The truth about a relationship…

Amazing how long I have stayed in a relationship knowing it was not making me happy. I kept going back…hooked like a fish and reeled in.

At the beginning of this last long (on and off) relationship one of my closest friends called one day out of the blue and said she needed to tell me something. She said:

Never forget who you are…

She did not know what I was going through at the time but felt compelled to tell me this. I was only a few weeks into this relationship, but already I was losing myself with this other person…caught in the drama and hurt and obsessive thinking…my friend was right. I was forgetting the truth of who I was. Her words filled my eyes with tears and yet I carried on with this relationship in some capacity for another 8 years.

I had to ask myself some big truthfilled questions throughout this time. Why did I attract this person into my life? To teach me what? To mirror back to me where the cracks in my foundation lay? Which cracks were they exactly? What from my past was affecting and controlling my desires and belief system in the present?

A relationship filled with potholes and whirlpools and constant storms is a sure sign that you are keeping yourself away from the truth…the truth of yourself…

I just couldn’t handle the truth at this moment in my life though. The truth can be overwhelming sometimes and I was too afraid to face it. The tumble of words and thoughts kept me occupied…the it’s complicated kept me away from my truth.

There were a few times when I felt this relationship had truly “ended”…I kept saying I had let go...that it really was the truth…yet I was not being deeply honest. I was still holding on…on some level however small…and the truth is that this small level was equal to a strong energetic tie. I was afraid to break that tie…to lose it forever…for who would I be without that connection? Without that person there? Letting go was inexplicably terrifying. But I eventually did let go 100% and I realized I was stronger than I thought…just had never examined the truth of my strength.

Within me the deep belief had existed that I needed other people to fill the corners…the structure of my being…that I needed their support to be ok. But I know the truth now that no-one but me has the rights to the foundation of me but me.

I read somewhere that you are meant to live fully in the truth of who you truly are…in the light of who you truly are…

I agree. I can handle this truth now.

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This is called taking responsibility…it’s not easy.

The truth about avoidance and denial…

The truth is things don’t just happen to us...consciously or subconsciously we choose them.

The truth always catches up to you…somehow…in some reality it will weave it’s way back into the threads that make up your soul and shine that candle ever so brightly in your face and whisper…“Look! See! Know!”

The truth about my intentions, my words…

It is so easy to say certain things that we believe we want, that we believe are the truth, but when our outer circumstances do not match that we wonder why…for me I know my actions have not always matched my words, my thoughts have been out of alignment with what I say and I have had certain beliefs residing in my subconscious that have sabotaged the intentions I have stated I want for myself. It takes some exploring to discover this truth beneath it all and it is an ongoing journey. But as a wise man once said:

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

Do I always tell the truth? No. I have told lies…big ones and little ones.

“So you’re always honest,” I said.
“Aren’t you?”
“No,” I told him. “I’m not.”
“Well, that’s good to know, I guess.”
“I’m not saying I’m a liar,” I told him. He raised his eyebrows. “That’s not how I meant it, anyways.”
“How’d you mean it, then?”
“I just…I don’t always say what I feel.”
“Why not?”
“Because the truth sometimes hurts,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “So do lies, though.” – Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

Some truths that I sometimes just can’t handle thinking about…

I am afraid of not being able to protect my son from life…from the truth of it all…

I am afraid at times of the truth that I am getting older and those distant numbers on the horizon….50…60…70 aren’t actually that far away at all…

I am afraid of not living my best life…being all that I can be…doing all that I said I wanted to do…

I am afraid of my parents not being around any more…

I try to focus on letting go of the things that are beyond my control and to just do my best, each moment of every day. For what else is there to do?

The truth about a life changing event…

Some things we don’t want to look back on…to think about…to revisit…but it is necessary to do this sometimes to move on…to make peace with.

After this major life event…an abortion years ago, all I wanted to do was watch animated Disney movies…over and over and over again. The truth of what I had just been through was far too heartbreaking to explore. I drew the curtain on that truth and the guilt cast a shadow for many years to come. Even though I knew I had made the best choice at the time I relived the moments of my decision over and over again…painfully and self destructively. I see that I have been attached to feeling guilty and bad for most of my life…and that I don’t need to be. Decisions…big life decisions can be made powerfully from the heart…from that knowing...with guidance from a Higher Power…without endless guilt attached to it. This is called self love, self respect, self worth…self trust.

The truth our children reflect back to us…

My son and the truth he mirrors back at me…is hard to handle sometimes. As he sits in the back of the car he suddenly shouts out passionately hand in the air to accentuate his point:

Come on people!!

The not so pleasant side of me is mirrored back at me and I know that these are all parts of me to be honestly explored with compassion. With my son the truth is up in my face…close and personal. There is no place to hide.

The truth about another persons words

Despite the words coming out of another persons mouth…it rises up through the words and you just know...The truth is always resting there beneath it all.

I see Truth in layers…how far down do you want to dive?

Do you want to know the truth about what those nagging feelings are telling you, those recurring dreams, thoughts, images?

Being a truth seeker in life is not easy at all…truth can be simple or it can be filled with many twists and turns. Sometimes I want my sons Superman cape for this journey. My ego gets in the way, my stubbornness, my wanting to be right, my feeling justified…the list goes on…

But ultimately I would rather seek the truth than run from it, I would rather hear the truth than be lied to and I would rather speak the truth than be silent.

The truth…it’s everywhere if you look for it…and, as a biblical passage in John 8:32 says…

The truth will set you free…

By Annabel Ruffell