After 2 years 5 months and 8 days Noakai and his father met for the first time.
It was such a big and important and meaningful moment…and yet so natural and “like any other day kind of moment” at the same time. Noakai was eating his lunch at the table and “G” (as I shall call him for the purposes of this post) walked through the door, sat next to him, hugged him and held him and kissed him. Noakai did not resist in any way…it was like he knew him already…had seen him before…recognized him. He carried on eating, making cute faces while “G” embraced him, watched him, and took all of him in.
“G” later described this moment as having no words for it….how amazing it was, how much love he felt. And there was something quite beautiful and sacred about all of us being in the same room after all this time. I looked at Noakai, this amazing little being that we had created and I felt very grateful to “G”, to Grace, to life.
I had last seen “G” when I was 7 months pregnant. He had his reasons and story in his mind about what was going on at the time and I had mine. I had always wanted him to be a part of Noakai’s life, but he did not feel that that was the case. The details of what happened are not important now, but I find it amazing how differently we each can interpret events and situations and words and actions. So much of the time I feel we react in the present in ways that are controlled by our past…old wounds, and events that happened way before we even met the person we are currently having “issues” with. It is hard to recognize that, the patterns we all create, and also to take full responsibility for our part in the creation of every “issue.” I have suffered much over the years with an overly analytical mind, wondering endlessly why this or that happened or why this or that was said…and you know what? It gets you nowhere. So I am (working on) changing my focus.
And in the end isn’t it all just about letting go and forgiveness and moving on? If you want peace for yourself that is…
So hard to do at times…
But I have to…what is the alternative? Never to feel peace? True peace? No way.
I am choosing to focus on the potential for change, for peace…on all the possibilities in all areas of my life.
“G” was here for 6 days and saw Noakai every day. We went to parks, the beach, played, had lunch, relaxed. I could see how very happy “G” was to be here and spend time with his son.
A couple of days into his visit though I began to feel a certain frustration creeping in….irritation, sadness…”something big.” I wasn’t quite sure what it was about at first, but then it flooded me completely in a big wave of emotion. This huge period of time that he had missed that I had lived through day in and day out was bursting to be heard fully….to be shouted out, to be acknowledged. I knew I had to talk to “G.”
I needed him to know how hard the last 2 years, 5 months and 8 days had been. I knew he was focusing on the moment…being here with his son…but I needed some recognition for all that I had been through since Noakai was born, some understanding…..or something…Maybe it was just simply to be heard. Either way I needed to convey to him in some way the depth of what I had been through and I needed him to deeply get it.
So I called him one night and shared a few things from my ocean of sleepless nights and exhaustion and stress (emotional, mental, physical, financial) and worry and meltdowns (mine and Noakai’s) and constant “doing” and and and and and…He listened, although I felt what I was sharing over the phone was just so inadequate compared to the actual reality of the day to day of raising a child. And could he fully get it, know it, feel it? He had not experienced it, so how could he?
Again I reminded myself…to truly move forward I had to focus on the “now” and creating the best situation for Noakai. And, what was happening was important and healing in so many ways.
And so I prayed for peace and the highest and the best to occur and to be the best person that I could be.
I chose peace.
At the end of a movie I watched tonight it said: Choose to heal. Choose to Love. Choose Life.
And I choose that…all of it and more…and more than ever before.
And as “G” said several times while he was here: “Thank you, Thank you, Thank you…”
And I say: Thank you for it all…all these experiences that test us, try us, push us to be the best that we can be in any situation, to be honest with ourselves, and to be bold and courageous enough to take action, to forgive, to let go, to move forward…and to make choices based on the Truth of our hearts and nothing less….always.