Into the space between.

 

What Journey are you on?     

This is a question that I have asked countless people and yet never answered in written form myself. So I thought it was time that I did. And I discovered it’s really quite hard.

My journey encompasses so much on a daily basis…where to begin? The journey I have walked over the years…unique threads of so many different experiences and moments are all entwined to some degree into my current journey…into who I am.

My journey has been and is an emotional one. I think a lot, I analyze things a lot…certain things really bother me, especially if I don’t understand them. I like to understand things, for things to be clear…it’s hard for me to rest in unknowingness. But sometimes you just have to be with things the way that they are as uncomfortable as that may be and accept that you wont always understand or make sense of something…it’s not something to be solved. So I sit and close my eyes and breathe, breathe, breathe…and I wade through the sometimes never-ending thoughts and feelings to the space between it all…the stillness. Here everything just feels like it will be ok and all things uncertain melt into nothingness. 

There is such strength and peace in this stillness.

Truth…

One day when Noakai and I are out to lunch a woman sits next to us with a tattoo that says: “Say it out loud.” It makes me think…Say it out loud…

Say out loud what you need, want, feel…even if it’s scary or uncomfortable. Don’t be silent. It’s important to give a voice to your truth whatever that may be. It’s hard to say it out loud though…we risk someone walking away or being upset or not liking it. But the truth spoken from your heart brings freedom…clears space, creates space for a new and beautiful way of being, of relating.

My journey has revealed to me that I can never escape the truth…my truth. The truth of who I am, the truth of what I want, of who I want to be, what I want to say…do. The truth will always leak out the inevitable cracks that will appear in ones being…for there would only be cracks present if one wasn’t living truthfully somehow. And you will feel those cracks…one way or another…The truth wants to be seen, acknowledged, heard as much as we might dance around it at times. Truth and fear can become very entangled. Whether we act on it or not it will remain, gently or rather loudly tugging at our core to give it a voice…an outlet…to go with it…what we know is true. Beyond our words…beyond another’s words…there it lies…forever luminous and present.

And the most beautiful things can happen when you least expect them to…or perhaps had given up…or had thought this will never happen to me...and then suddenly there it is…in all it’s beauty and truth and you are faced with a choice whether to embrace it or not. 

In my thirties I became a parent and everything changed. Begin the best parent I can be is obviously a huge part of my journey….and it leads back to being the best me that I can be.  My son asks me to dig deep into my Being and to rise above my perceived limitations…when I don’t feel like playing or being creative or doing anything he pushes me to find it….he challenges me…a lot. Sometimes things feel messy and confusing and I am so disappointed in myself for not being more. I can be so very critical of myself and others. But when I take a moment, breathe  and step into the space between I realize that the more I think I should be is this…I am who I am and am doing my best in each moment. That’s all I have right now and the sincere intention to be better. He shows me daily how I need to be more patient with myself and therefore with him and in that the real beauty of how that is reflected back to him. And when I falter and lose it and am the person I don’t like at all…I pick myself back up again and own up to what I have said and how I have acted and talk about it with him and then let it go…it’s ok to let it ok I realized...and keep moving forward.

Forgiveness….can be such a labyrinth of corridors and doors and dusty corners…yet without allowing it in fully we dim our light…in some way…we always do.

I am on a journey of love.

Of course love for my son, my family, my friends…myself…that took me a while to understand the importance of….and love for a partner. Most of my thirties were spent deeply connected to someone. It was so hard to let this person go….the back and forth, the drama, the intensity, the passion, the suffering…it all had an intense hold over me…a certain power that at the time felt impossible to ever shake.

Last summer someone opened my heart again. But this was not meant to be and it faded away…But I was left grateful for this experience that brought me fully into the present moment and that allowed me to glimpse the possibility…

Then suddenly, unexpectedly…there was someone else. I promised myself that I would be completely present to him and open, despite the fear that at times wants to cast a net around my heart, my breath, my words…so that I desperately search for the space between it all.

For I truly want my journey to be one filled with moments that took my breath away, that captured my heart, moments that I can be proud of because I spoke my truth regardless, moments of breakdown, moments of breakthrough, of being present, of being brave, of being bold, of light, of realization, of recognition of what is true, of being fully who I am without shame or concern about how it is received by another, of acknowledging the darkness within me, of acknowledging the darkness within another, of saying I’m sorry when I need to, of taking responsibility for my part in every moment, being grateful for the little things, paying attention, taking the time to stop and ask how someone is, to compliment someone…of knowing that in each moment I can make a different choice.   

If now is not the time to lead a brave and bold life then when is?

My journey is about acknowledging and connecting with the world around me…the people, animals, environment…and truly seeing the heart in all things. I care a lot about everything, I notice everything and feel so much at times it can be very challenging to accept that not everyone does care as much.

Acceptance for what is…I am working on this.

I see the vastness of it all…this world. When I go hiking or sit on the beach or look up at the moon and starry sky I feel this. It reminds me of my strength…of who I am and to not forget that. The never ending space before me calls to me to expand my heart and rest in the space between. Sitting on the beach I see the waves roll in and out…with each retreat I hand them my thoughts…thoughts that do not serve me…please take them I whisper…and Thank you. 

The truth, the love is ever present in the space between…so on my journey in this life, and with each breath I take…I will keep journeying towards that…the soft glow of stillness shimmering at my center that whispers eternally what is real and what is not.

 

By Annabel Ruffell.

 

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