So, this morning pretty much began like any other….Breakfast with Noakai and a little bit of TV. As it was such a lovely, sunny morning I decided that it would be nice to go to the beach. I began to get things together….so as Noakai is running around I make sure he has his water and snacks…at least 2 different kinds as you never know what he will like (!)…actually maybe I will take 3 today..better safe than sorry….he has a couple of beach toys, a hat, of course extra diapers and wipes….he has his shoes on. Ok he is fed and dressed and ready! Oh wait, but am I? ! Sometimes I am so focussed on him that I forget the things I need to take too! OK, I am ready and we are set to go! Oh no…then a scent fills the air and I know he needs to be “freshened up!” Great…ok shoes off, new diaper…I give him my cellphone and play a video of him that I took the other day at the Pumpkin Patch when he played with the animals there – he loves it and it works like a charm! He is still while I change him and button him up, shoes on again…OK we are ready!

We have not been to the beach in a little while and I am excited! We park and I go to pay for parking. Four quarters are needed for an hour (which is what I want)…the minimum is 2 quarters. I open my wallet to see one quarter inside. What?! Where are the 12 quarters I put in there yesterday when I got change from the bank!! Er, hello?! Seriously, someone took my quarters! I stood there for a good few minutes pondering the very mysterious disappearance of my 12 quarters….it really was the great quarter mystery. Noakai was very patient as I pondered this. He looked at me a little strangely for a moment there though…What on earth is she doing?! I want to go to the beach!! After I finally accepted the fact that I did not even have enough quarters for the minimum amount required…I began to feel a little desperate I admit. I just want to go to the beach with my baby! (I would like to add here that I am quite premenstrual)…So, as I had no cash on me whatsoever (typical)….I decided I needed to focus and get me some quarters!! So, off I went with Noakai in the carrier, big, heavy bag on one shoulder laden to the top with all his necessities and my things, and bucket and truck and spade in the other. First I stopped at this German store on Main Street…surely they had an ATM machine. They did not. Well, maybe the guy working there would be able to sympathise with my (very serious) need to go to the beach with my baby and loan me 3 quarters? ! (I had one already remember?!)…. He looked at me a bit sternly though as he told me where I could find an ATM and I decided I dare not ask him to lend me 3 quarters.

So off I went to the store next door where he had told me the ATM machine was located. Great! It told it was going to charge me $2.50 for this transaction. Not so great, but fine! I needed to get to the beach!! I pressed the button which I believed was to type in the amount you want (I just wanted $10), but instead $80 came out! Sigh…but move on.

Now I just needed those bl**dy quarters!! I went back to the German store thinking the guy there would now realize how desperately I needed quarters and just give them to me! (And…my mother is German I am thinking as if that thought in my head will win him over). No. He said no! I do not have any change this early in the morning he stated quite sternly again (but with a smile)…As I leave his store I contemplate asking one of the customers there for 3 quarters. Yes, I really just want to go to the beach!

Next I head to the Urth Cafe across the street, which of course is packed. I am on a mission though to find that one person that will help me! I see an employee who has an air of clamness about him despite the craziness and I make a beeline for him. He looks at me and I tell him very calmly ($20 bill in hand)  that I really need “just 3 quarters”.

“So just a dollars worth?” he asks.

“Yes! Just a dollars worth.”

He returns with my change very gracefully, amongst which are 4 quarters! I am so happy I tip him a dollar and joyfully head off to pay for my parking. I just pray that I have not received a ticket in the meantime. I have not. Phew! I begin to insert the quarters. I get to the last quarter and it won’t go into the machine. I look at it more closely now and see that it is “slashed” through the middle (yes, really) with some very thin wire attached to one end. It truly is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I don’t even know how someone would /could slash the middle of a coin, but it’s true. It will not go into the machine. Thankfully I remember very quickly, that I actually have another quarter in my wallet! Finally one hour is paid for and we head to the beach. Noakai has been very patient throughout.

We sit down by the ocean and it was all so worth it! It is calm and beautiful. All nothing really in the grand scheme of things, but this is life and sometimes these little things get to us. But I am very grateful though as I sit on the beach with Noakai playing happily, watching the surfers, the birds and the waves crashing on the shore. And I make a promise to myself that I will always have enough quarters in my wallet from this moment forth!!

This was the topic a few days ago in my DailyGood.org email that I receive, and I thought it was a great few words to express the importance of being present! Becoming a Presence Activist! No-one has taught me to be present as much as my one year old boy! Oh boy has he! From the moment he was born, I became more present, (I couldn’t stop looking at him!) and committed to remaining present as much as possible from that day forth. I held him in my arms and stared at him for hours, not wanting to go to sleep…I wanted to make sure I engraved his sweet little newborn face into my baby memory files.

Amazing how a little baby can be so fascinating to watch! The way he lay and slept and stared at everything, and the adorable facial expressions he would make. After a few days I was so exhausted though due to the lack of sleep…more exhausted than ever before….although I tried my best to remain present and savour every moment! I have to admit though, I was a walking zombie much of the time…those first few weeks. Fast forward to now, and I deeply feel the need to be present even more with him, as time is passing so very quickly! People had always told me how quickly time flies when you have a child…it’s really true! He is running now! I catch myself, as we play outside, thinking of the day ahead, or of next week, or of what I need to get done and I bring my attention back to the little stick he wants me to hold. These moments are so precious! I can press the pause button on my endless stream of thoughts, or just simply not entertain the ones that repeat, repeat, repeat the same old thing…the same old story. And then I begin to wonder how much time exactly I spend thinking about the same things every day. Great! Now I am thinking about what I think about every day….Stop!! Wow, this being present thing is not that easy! Noakai hands me one of his many books and plonks himself on my lap. I focus on the story and pictures and talk in a funny voice for him. He loves it.

I love watching him sleep. He is so peaceful…so beautiful. My little boy! Later that evening when he wakes I move him to my bed (habit we got back into!) and he snuggles right up against me, and brings my arm around him. I can smell his sweet baby hair and I am very present to this moment. I treasure it…for when he is a teenager I know that I will certainly remember these moments!

Thinking more deeply though about what it means to be present, brings up many other scenarios in my mind. I realize that my commitment to being present does not extend into all things. Sitting in a dentists chair is one of them. I try and think of anything but the noise of the drill and possibility of feeling it…as this has happened more than once to me…and that sensation is not something I want to be present to! It is really not easy to be present to physical pain! Having blood drawn is another one. Even though it does not hurt, I make myself think of other things as the thought of the needle going in is just too uncomfortable for me to want to be present to! There were definitely a few moments whilst giving birth too (without any pain medication!) that in the moment, I would rather not have been present to…although in hindsight I am happy I felt it all! This reminds me of something my father told me when he was having hip replacement surgery. He was not put under as he preferred being conscious to what was going on. So he heard the saw, the hammering and even saw some blood come up over the partition that they had up!! Seriously?! YHGTBK! You have GOT to be kidding! I could not imagine being present to that taking place! But my father talked about it in the same animated, matter of fact way he might talk about a days outing somewhere nice! How different we all are in choosing what we want to be present to!

This led to me wondering, how hard is it to be present when seeing others in pain? People we love, our children, our pets? SO very hard. And then what about those we do not know personally, yet who we see through various media channels suffering due to war or floods; children who have lost their families or have been abused, and animals who are tortured and killed inhumanely or skinned alive for their fur? The list goes on and on. How many of us can really be present to this, to really see? It can be easier to look away, to avoid, to just not think about it, as it can cause us so much discomfort in the present can’t it? And what about our own suffering, our own thoughts, our own pain? Isn’t that sometimes the greatest suffering of all? Self-inflicted. I can understand why many would choose to find ways to escape being present to this kind of pain. It is not easy!

Then there is a different kind of “being present”…a rare experience, that is almost…I believe the word is “exquisite.” I have had this a handful of times in my life. One of them was when I was in Peru. I had taken the bus around several small towns, and on the way back I had to get off in the middle of nowhere, high, high up on this mountain to wait for another bus. I remember feeling a little anxious – as I really was in the middle of nowhere – but as I stood there waiting for the bus I looked into the distance at the magnificent view and this intensely peaceful sensation came over me…the air was rich with “light” and I became instantly truly, deeply “present.” It was a vast feeling, …intensely still, intensely quiet. I was “exquisitely” present. I know that nothing would have “affected” me in this state…the day to day things that tend to “get to me”….and I realized that this feeling must be what some call “freedom.” Freedom from all that swirls around us in life…the words, the actions, the “everything” that we can take so very personally. I will never forget that day, as it reminds me of the true peace and presence that is available to me always…not just on that day, on that mountaintop, in that country. Of course it is harder to feel this present and peaceful whilst sitting in traffic on the freeway, or when you are running late for something, or your baby is just clingy and cranky and everything goes wrong on that day, or someone upsets you. But, little by little I feel I can commit to just not being so attached to it all in the present…so annoyed by it, so affected by it, create stories about it…and just know that inevitably these feelings will pass….it all will…in an hour or a few, or tomorrow…and to just relax a bit!

I think there is a good amount of freedom in that!

I have spent a good deal of time over the years getting very stressed about getting on a plane, so I have decided that this post will be about my most recent flying experience! Actually, the words “stress” and “worry” don’t really cover it….it’s more like a crazy, terror-filled obsession with all the possible outcomes of what could go wrong during take-off, up in the air and upon landing. My family, my friends, my neighbors I know, are all glad when the day of my departure finally arrives. At least there will be no interrogations for a while! You see I incessantly ask them,

“Do you think my flight will be safe?”

“But how do you know?”

“But are you sure?”

“You really think so?”

I am very fortunate though to always be sitting next to someone very nice on the plane! They are very patient with me, even when I grab them during turbulence. Once I have actually landed and my feet are on the ground it all doesn’t seem so bad…the trauma leading up to the flight and the stress I feel during the flight fades away and I feel “normal” once again. I am so grateful and relieved to be safe!

I flew to England about a month ago. Weeks prior to my flight leaving I am consumed with thoughts and possible scenarios of the plane crashing. And I really do imagine every possible scenario. The thought of being 39,000 feet up in the air and encountering turbulence is terrifying to me. There is no way out is there? ! What if the plane takes a dive into the ocean? Yes, I know it’s safer to fly than drive a car, but that does not make it any better! At least I can stop driving and get out of my car when I want to…well that is the illusion of control I know. But being in a car is not the same for me as being in a big metal flying object above the clouds for 10 hours!

So….to continue….when that day finally arrives where I have to get into the car and go to the airport – I am a nervous wreck. I ask myself is it worth it? Yes, yes, yes it is I tell myself. I will see my family at the other end and I will be so happy! Ok, ok, ok…I can do this! I feel quite ridiculous I admit, but the feeling is so strong. I need proof, I need a guarantee that we will be safe! For it is “we” now. I have Noakai of course and that makes it even worse for I feel that I am putting him in danger by taking him on a plane. Crazy, yes it is. Absolute craziness I have been told. I know this, for we have no guarantees in life do we? Who can give me a guarantee? 10 psychics? My mother? My brother? My friend? God? No..the truth is that no-one can. I just need to trust that all will work out for the best. If my time is up it is up, right? I know this…yet it still does not make flying any easier.

At the airport, I eye everyone up and down…I guess undercover agents do this…analyze people. I feel everyone looks “safe” and I feel a little better. (You see I also worry about the possibility of a bomb going off). The lady at the check-in is mean though. Doesn’t smile and tells me my luggage is overweight and I have to move it around or pay extra. And I have to pay extra anyway for Noakai’s travel crib. We are also at the back of the plane – I do not like this. Is this a sign I think? I do what is asked of me and move on. On into the departure gate and Noakai is having a whale of a time. Running around like the roadrunner, laughing and playing and entertaining everybody. Oh how I wish I could be so oblivious to where I am. Everyone seems to be in good spirits and I take this to be a good sign. We are flying at night though which I do not like at all. Not seeing makes it worse. I prefer to be able to look outside…even if it is just clouds. But here we are…and so I breathe. No-one else looks worried…and this is good, right?!

As we step onto the plane I immediately inform the stewardess (and anyone else who will listen) that I am terrified of flying and if they can tell me what the weather is like en route and if the captain has told them anything? And where exactly do they think the bad weather (if any) will occur? They look at me for a second, shocked at the question I bet hardly anyone asks them…and tell me that the captain has not informed them of anything bad yet. So what does that mean I wonder? Some give me a compassionate look…can feel the fear and desperation oozing out of me I am sure. But I am on a mission. I need to know what the weather will be like! Oh, and I make sure that I really emphasize how scared I am. This pretty much always encourages them to call the captain who comes down to “have a word with me.” Let the captain deal with me they are thinking!

“What seems to be the problem young lady?” he asks me.

“I am so scared of flying, what’s the weather going to be like?”

He looks at me chuckling and says, (can you believe it), “Just have a few drinks and you will be fine!”

“Oh ok” I say! “Are you sure?!”

“Yes, he says, there is nothing to worry about. The wings on this plane can actually bend to touch each other.”

Not sure I want to see that, but thanks! Well, if the captain tells me this it must all be good, right? ! I relax and breathe. Noakai is busy laughing hysterically and playing peek-a-boo with the people behind me.

We are in the air. I look at the stewardess…who looks rather serious. Is everything ok I wonder? Why is she so serious? The plane turns and the sound of the engines becomes quieter. I panic. Are the engines going to cut out? OMG…what’s going on? I am reassured that all is well. I breathe – again. We are up and cruising along….I feel ok! Then the turbulence begins and does not stop for a while. I start to pray. Noakai is asleep and I focus on his sweet face far away in dreamland. I keep breathing. I can see across the aisle through the window the lights below in the towns we are flying over and it makes me feel better. Not sure why. Then someone comes through the plane pulling down the shades on the windows, which again makes me panic. I like to see! Even if it is the black night. The turbulence continues. I look at the flight map every 2 minutes to see how much longer we have left to go, how fast we are flying, where we are flying over and how much time has elapsed. Time passes so slowly when you stare at it. Funny, I look at the people around me, who look so relaxed, chatting to their neighbour, sleeping (?!) and I laugh at myself! Silly me. When I ask the air stewardess if what we just experienced was bad turbulence, they laugh at me and describe a horrific incident to me where they were thrown around the plane. I pray that we will never experience that.

When I tell my mother how scared I am of getting on that plane to England she always says to me,

“Well just lock yourself up in your apartment then, and don’t go anywhere!”

How ridiculous I say, but she is right! I want to go home and I want to travel to new places, so I need to deal with this! I know. Well, at least I do end up getting on the plane! You wouldn’t believe it, but I have traveled my whole life on planes – since I was 1 year old. It’s only been since I was twenty-something that I became so scared of flying.

As Noakai gets older he will pick up on my fear more and more, and I do not want that. So what am I prepared to do to make it better? Meditate, trust, let go…and just know that the highest and best will happen, whatever that might be. So next time I am up in the air, I have made a committment to really enjoy that glass of wine (or 2 or 3) and focus on a movie and my boy having fun, and how truly lucky I am to be flying home to see my family.